Belonging

Someone did something amazing for me yesterday. It wasn't big but it meant the world to me.

While referring to me to other tattoo artists, the artist I was working with–Ray Corson^[1]– used they/them pronouns.

At first I thought they must have been talking about someone else. And when I realized I was the subject of conversation... which should have been obvious given that Ray was pointing at me and talking about our past collaborations on tattoo design... it felt nice.

I realized how much I internally bristle at male pronouns in that moment. That they aren't right for me, and having them used feels like I am somehow failing in a role I am supposed to be playing. That somehow I am "not good enough" at being a man, which leads to me being a disappointment to people that rely on that projection from me. And that I have to hide who I am to make others comfortable and at ease.

But in that moment, there was no need to hide. No one balked at a singular person being referred to as "they" (which is a lazy bullshit argument because it happens all the time in the English language).

Some of what helped, I think, is that the tattoo studio is a fiercely queer space. And it made me realize I need to find queer spaces I can join. I used to be more involved in high school, but it was as "an ally" at the time. I've avoided most queer spaces because I so easily pass as a cis male, and there is some guilt around entering a queer space and "taking away" from others that "deserve it more".

But last night, being in a place where I could relax some and not have to feel like I was hiding part of me... it was nice. It felt so calm. It was one of the few times I felt like I belonged.