Individuality

One of the things that I am still getting used to after being with my partner for 7 years and married for 3 is the ability to exist as my own person. I don't know how much is nonsense I put upon myself from all the shit in the zeitgeist of growing up in the 80's and 90's, and how much is from my personal upbringing, but the idea of being able to say "no, I don't want to go do that thing with everyone" has always felt like a landmine I was about to step on.

Whether it was spoken or not, all the way through the end of my first marriage there was an expectation of "do everything together". And if someone decided they wanted to go do something, then everyone had to go do that thing... regardless of the amount of interest or energy they had for it.

The one specific memory that sticks out in my mind is when me, my ex-wife, brother, and sister all pooled funds to take my parents to Italy for my father's 60th birthday. We had all seen some commercial about a son taking his dad to a Nordic country and then realizing they were actually from some other Nordic country (and if you can link me the commercial, I will be forever thankful!! Send it to me on Mastodon because I spent like 30 minutes searching for it on YouTube and couldnt find it)

Anyway... My dad always said "oh, you kids should do that for me on my 60th birthday. hahaha". And because of a whole rant I won't go in to, that was a possibility so we did. And all through the planning of the trip we kept saying "we don't all have to spend every moment together. It is ok to go do things apart." And yet when we got there... EVERY. MOMENT. TOGETHER. For damn near a week. It was a lot. And we were not happy with each other by the end of the trip.

Smash cut 10 years later - things are very different in my life. I have been through a lot of therapy. Have worked a lot on identifying emotions and wants and needs. Have been through a divorce. Met someone that lights up my life every day I see her.

And she has told me time and time again that I do not need to go do everything her or her family is doing. And while I know this is true, there is a kneejerk reaction to have to come along — regardless of if I want to or not. And I enjoy being with her and her parents, so it isn't a negative... but some times I'd rather not go out and drive around looking for deer and stuff.

For whatever reason when she said her mother reached out today about dinner and going to look for wildlife, I said without hesitation or a second thought "ya know.. that's not where I am tonight. I'd rather stay home."

And I instinctively braced for impact. My nerves were ready for the passive aggressive fallout that would naturally come, because that's what I've been conditioned to be ready for.

And it never came.

She said "ok great. Thanks for letting me know!" and we continued to joke with each other while sitting on the couch. After a while she went to go check on the feral kitten that has taken up a home in our yard and I started working on this post.

Her parents came by to pick her up, and her dad was a little surprised I wasn't coming with but other than an "oh, ok well let us know if you want us to bring you any food back" it was a non-issue. The biggest concern I had was hiding that I had painted my nails as a means to work on not biting them — which has been going great! I've been over a week without biting my nails now and I hope to keep it up!

But yeah... It just makes me really happy to have been able to be me and express my needs without having them be a detriment. And I hope everyone gets to have that feeling, cause it is really nice.