Scattered and spoonless
No spoons.. Spent.. worn out..
Whatever you call it, that is where I am today.
I thought the ~45 minute drive each way to bring my wife her CGM (since the one she was using had expired) wouldn't be that bad but the drive home was a kick in the shins...
Before getting to the highway it was either distracted drivers going ~15mph or oversized pickup trucks frustrated with those drivers going 45 and cutting everyone off
And then the highway was more of the same
For some reason it was white knuckle the whole way home and it left me with no gas in the tank to do what I need to do. And worse - no gas to do what I want to do.
I have been trudging on with chores and about to start working on dinner for the two of us, but I really just want to sit in a quiet room with no stimulation and try to recharge.
Part of the resistance to stopping and recharging is because I am without a job at the moment, and we agreed that all the home stuff would be my domain as she continues to work a thankless job that is burning her out. So when I get to these places where I am overwhelmed with stuff and feeling like I need a lifeline, I tell myself I'm not allowed to bring it up with her. Boo hoo, I had to sit in a little traffic. She was stuck in soul crushing meetings (I know they are soul crushing because I used to work there before my last job and had to leave from the burnout of having my soul crushed by the soul crushing machine).
The past few weeks have been full of that feeling like you are nothing but tears from your feet to the corners of your eyes, and just one more drop will start things overflowing. I know that I can't keep on like this and that history shows when I try to just power through it doesn't end positively - I usually wind up having angry outbursts at insignificant things because I am so emotionally frazzled.
I dunno... I logically know that none of this is true and I can talk to her, but it is hard to not feel like I'm being a burden since I have the "easier" end of things.
Whole lot of shit to unpack in therapy next week I guess.
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